Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Biographies of Walhrooses and Burnsideses

Drew Wahlroos - Has had a lustrious career in the NFL that rivals the likes of Ethan Albright and Rodney Peete. He is second in the NFL to John Madden for the most donuts eaten in one game.
Bjorn Wahlroos - a successful inventor of such things as the wheel, polka, and the glow in the dark dildo.
Margaret Wahlroos - After being dropped on her head numerous times as an infant Margaret was forced to wear a dead squirell on her head to cover up the many hideous craters. She was killed in 1982 by an out of control walrus, she thought that the people yelling "walrus" were trying to get her attention, and she never knew what hit her.
Torrance Burnsides - A mountain of a man, Torrance rose to NFL greatness after a spectacular career at Chattanooga University where he graduated with a -0.12 GPA. His prolific NFL career included such benchmarks as two 60 yard runs, one on the hated Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the coining of the phrase "that burnsides." Torrance's career took off when he joined the Carolina Panthers and assumed the starting job at fullback. A perpetual Pro-Bowler, Torrance was the first in NFL history to drop the bar on his head in the bench press competition. Burnsides' career took an unfotunate end when he suffered a career ending injury after being bitch slapped by Tampa Bay kicker Martin Gramatica in late 2002.
Ambrose Burnside - Union General in the Civil War, rumored to have fathered an enitre illegitimate generation of Burnsides, women were no match for the allure of his rugged good looks and intense facial hair. He also rode into battles on a three-legged horse named Buzzy.
Red Beard Jr. - Son of the famous NFL star Ethan Albright, Red Beard unfortunatley is so ugly that he looks like hes over 50 when in fact he's only 14 years old. He has a disorder that causes his ear hair to grow 100x faster than normal, instead of trying to cut it every day he instead wraps it around his face to look like a beard. He is a flaming homosexual, and happens to have a pirate fetish.

No comments: