My guestbook signage on THE Jarkko Ruutu fan site

Jarkko Ruutu is seriously a god among men. His intensity on the ice makes players like Sidney Crosby and Wayne Gretzky look like little girls. I'm 100% sure if either of them were on the opposing team while my boy Jarkko was on the ice he would not only beat them to a bloody pulp but he would go and find their families after the game and body check each and every one of them into submission. You are totally right about him giving 110% on the ice!!!1 He plays from start to finish, where most players are off sipping tea and writing poetry around the end of their shifts Jarrko is finishing checks and severing players' hards with his bare hands. I heard that once Jarkko Ruutu hit a player so hard that he actually broke the speed of light flying into the boards, after studying this Ruutu invented time travel, a discovery that means our children won't only read about Ruutu's hard hitting bad assness in textbooks, but also his amazing contributions to science and mankind. God bless you Jarkko Ruutu.

Daniel Briere has HIV

Biographies of Walhrooses and Burnsideses

Drew Wahlroos - Has had a lustrious career in the NFL that rivals the likes of Ethan Albright and Rodney Peete. He is second in the NFL to John Madden for the most donuts eaten in one game.
Bjorn Wahlroos - a successful inventor of such things as the wheel, polka, and the glow in the dark dildo.
Margaret Wahlroos - After being dropped on her head numerous times as an infant Margaret was forced to wear a dead squirell on her head to cover up the many hideous craters. She was killed in 1982 by an out of control walrus, she thought that the people yelling "walrus" were trying to get her attention, and she never knew what hit her.
Torrance Burnsides - A mountain of a man, Torrance rose to NFL greatness after a spectacular career at Chattanooga University where he graduated with a -0.12 GPA. His prolific NFL career included such benchmarks as two 60 yard runs, one on the hated Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the coining of the phrase "that burnsides." Torrance's career took off when he joined the Carolina Panthers and assumed the starting job at fullback. A perpetual Pro-Bowler, Torrance was the first in NFL history to drop the bar on his head in the bench press competition. Burnsides' career took an unfotunate end when he suffered a career ending injury after being bitch slapped by Tampa Bay kicker Martin Gramatica in late 2002.
Ambrose Burnside - Union General in the Civil War, rumored to have fathered an enitre illegitimate generation of Burnsides, women were no match for the allure of his rugged good looks and intense facial hair. He also rode into battles on a three-legged horse named Buzzy.
Red Beard Jr. - Son of the famous NFL star Ethan Albright, Red Beard unfortunatley is so ugly that he looks like hes over 50 when in fact he's only 14 years old. He has a disorder that causes his ear hair to grow 100x faster than normal, instead of trying to cut it every day he instead wraps it around his face to look like a beard. He is a flaming homosexual, and happens to have a pirate fetish.

I hate my friends' away messages

That is a filthy, filthy lie. You are not chillin with everyone, possibly not even with anyone. I see at least two people right now that you are not in fact chillin with. I'm not chillin with you and this blatant slanderous lie has taken away any chance that I will ever be chillin with you. I hate your away message.
Wow, thanks for telling me this. I'm really excited to know that you have a broomball game tonight at 9pm, wait, no I'm not. You know how many people care about your stupid fucking broomball game? Nobody, unless you count the people playing in the game. I don't even see why you would consider putting this horse shit in your away message, exactly how many people have ever attended your broomball games? One, two? You seriously think this will up your attendance? I hate your away message.

It being ridiculously cold outside is no excuse for being a retard. How people who can't spell simple fourth grade vocabulary ever got into college is beyond me. It's not even like the "I" key is even close to the "E" key so it couldn't have been a typo. As for the rest of the message, unless this "date" is going to involve some kind of lesbian sex I really don't give two shits. I hate your away message.

Ok, wow. You somehow managed to fuck up the only three words in this thing. Maybe the first part of rehearsal should be that they teach you how to spell the goddamn word. Secondly, when did the word "until" grow an extra l? That's cool that you're trying to save precious seconds of your life by abbreviating words, but then why the fuck are you adding extra letters? As long as we're adding new letters to abbreviated words I'm replacing "bro" with "brodfsgbsthbtr." Last of all, how in holy hell can something last until forever? That's like counting to infinity dipshit, it can't be done and if you were to figure out a way to do it you would have to be a lot smarter than you clearly are. I hate your away message.

This away message has me convinced that you are in fact more queer the average resident of San Francisco. As if the original gloating about owning an XBOX 360 wasn't bad enough you had to gay it up with a smiley face which is more reminiscent of a 12 year old girl's away. I have counted a whopping five smilies in your profile, leading me to believe you are second behind Richard Simmons for most smilies used on AIM. Way to go fagwad. I hate your away message.
What in holy hell? I seriously hope this is a joke, because I really want to jump through the computer screen and beat the shit out of this away. What is this shit at the top? Are you doing scat over AIM away messages? That makes me so angry that I want to beat you with your own computer. Why the hell did you choose this ridiculous font? What in your sick, sick mind made you think it was okay to try and pass this chickenscratch horse shit off as an away message? Do you think it's cute? Well, fuck you, I don't. After decoding this crap, imagine my reaction to what your mindless babbling excuse for an away message meant. Oh, and you love me, kissy face? Well I don't love you, I hate your away message.

Real original douchebag. No seriously, I'm sure that girl you like will just run straight to your room and suck your dick when she reads this one. I've never seen a college student quote Dave Matthews before, you're getting laid now for sure. I hate your away message.
What the fuck? Maybe you wouldn't have to pull a fucking all-nighter if you didn't spend all your time writing essays on AIM. I'm sure anyone who could give a shit about your cousin having a baby already knows about it, I doubt anyone is going to read your away message and be like "Holy shit! Read this away message, Michelle had the baby! Let's get to the hospital right away!" 10,657 babies are born every day in the United States alone, I really don't give a fuck about your cousin getting knocked up. By the way I had no idea you were happy, especially not after the first two smilies and you saying you're "soooo happy," thanks for adding the third smiley for clarification. I hate your away message.

The diary of a Temple Guard

8/3/1994, Today I went out drinking with some of my guard buddies. I met this really cool girl named Lisa, she was really into me and stuff, she thought the shrunken heads tied around my neck were sexy obviously. I didn't get her number though, she stopped talking to me and walked away when I told her that I was serious when I said I catch kids and eat their eyes if they aren't carrying a pendant of life.

5/4/1995, Legends of the Hidden Temple was cancelled today, and it looks like I'm being let go. I've been looking into other temples with guard vacancies, but it turns out there aren't too many hidden temples in this century, looks like temple guard college was a big waste of money. On second thought, I think Olmec blacklisted me, he's had it in for me ever since he heard that I hooked up with his girlfriend on the steps of knowledge. Looks like im going to have to work at my dad's accounting firm, damnit.

3/24/1997, I got in trouble at the office today... again. Casual fridays and I just don't get along it seems, it all started when I saw Barry, the midget who works next to me walk by me in the hall wearing a bright red shirt and khaki shorts. Let's just say he wasn't too happy when I picked him up by the legs and shook him for a few minutes demanding a pendant of life, I'll be hearing from his lawyers. Old habits die hard man.

11/6/2000, I'm running out of money, so I decided to try and sell a few things today. Would you believe that the guy at the pawn shop had the nerve to offer me $35 for a SILVER monkey? I did manage to sell a picture of Olmec and Kirk Fogg making out at our christmas party for $300, that should last me the rest of the month, if not I'll have to sell that trip to space camp I've been saving.

From the Florida Today, 4/26/2002: Huey Tlatoani, 36, a resident of Melbourne Florida died late tuesday from accidentally falling into a "sacrificial pit" while performing a ritualistic animal sacrifice to the god Quetzalcoatl.

Fun things to do to piss roomates off part 1

1. Call a housemate's cell phone at 3am demanding that they make you a sandwich, even though you are down the hall from them. If they hang up, leave an angry note on their door in the morning calling them "self-centered assholes."

2. Go away for the weekend and lock the door to your room while leaving "The Final Countdown" playing as loud as possible on an endless loop. (make sure nobody has a key)

3. Make a point of using the last of the toilet paper then hiding whatever new rolls are in the bathroom, it makes for a fun toilet-time game.

4. Anytime anyone enters your room spray them with axe for at least 10 seconds, if they ask why just mumble something incoherent about germs.

5. Beat off on the couch you all sit on, while you're all sitting on it.

6. Steal your housemate's cell phone and change the language to French.

7. Find your roomates' exam schedule and the night before any of them has a test make a point of blasting country music while running around the house naked with a cowboy hat.

8. If the Disney Channel is not on the TV at any given time then complain loudly drowning out whatever is on until the channel is changed. If a girl comes into the room make fun of your roomates for watching the Disney Channel.

9. Invite wasted people at bars to "sleep it off" in your roomate's bed.

10. Yell at the T.V. not only during sports, but during any show.